বন্ধুত্ব ও ভালবাসা (Friendship and Love)

বন্ধুত্ব ও ভালবাসা

বন্ধুত্ব ও ভালোবাসায় অনেক তফাৎ আছে, কিন্তু ঝট্‌ করিয়া সে তফাৎ ধরা যায় না। বন্ধুত্ব আটপৌরে, ভালোবাসা পোশাকী। বন্ধুত্বের আটপৌরে কাপড়ের দুই-এক জায়গায় ছেঁড়া থাকিলেও চলে, ঈষৎ ময়লা হইলেও হানি নাই, হাঁটুর নীচে না পৌঁছিলেও পরিতে বারণ নাই। গায়ে দিয়া আরাম পাইলেই হইল। কিন্তু ভালোবাসার পোশাক একটু ছেঁড়া থাকিবে না, ময়লা হইবে না, পরিপাটি হইবে। বন্ধুত্ব নাড়াচাড়া টানাছেঁড়া তোলাপাড়া সয়, কিন্তু ভালোবাসা তাহা সয় না। আমাদের ভালোবাসার পাত্র হীন প্রমোদে লিপ্ত হইলে আমাদের প্রাণে বাজে, কিন্তু বন্ধুর সম্বন্ধে তাহা খাটে না; এমন-কি, আমরা যখন বিলাসপ্রমোদে মত্ত হইয়াছি তখন আমরা চাই যে, আমাদের বন্ধুও তাহাতে যোগ দিক! প্রেমের পাত্র আমাদের সৌন্দর্যের আদর্শ হইয়া থাক্‌ এই আমাদের ইচ্ছা— আর, বন্ধু আমাদেরই মত দোষে গুণে জড়িত মর্ত্যের মানুষ হইয়া থাক্‌ এই আমাদের আবশ্যক। আমাদের ডান হাতে বাম হাতে বন্ধুত্ব। আমরা বন্ধুর নিকট হইতে মমতা চাই, সমবেদনা চাই, সাহায্য চাই ও সেই জন্যই বন্ধুকে চাই। কিন্তু ভালোবাসার স্থলে আমরা সর্বপ্রথমে ভালোবাসার পাত্রকেই চাই ও তাহাকে সর্বতোভাবে পাইতে চাই বলিয়াই তাহার নিকট হইতে মমতা চাই, সমবেদনা চাই, সঙ্গ চাই। কিছুই না পাই যদি, তবুও তাহাকে ভালোবাসি। ভালোবাসায় তাহাকেই আমি চাই, বন্ধুত্বে তাহার কিয়দংশ চাই। বন্ধুত্ব বলি তে তিনটি পদার্থ বুঝায়। দুই জন ব্যক্তি ও একটি জগৎ। অর্থাৎ দুই জনে সহযোগী হইয়া জগতের কাজ সম্পন্ন করা। আর, প্রেম বলিলে দুই জন ব্যক্তি মাত্র বুঝায়, আর জগৎ নাই। দুই জনেই দুই জনের জগৎ। অতএব বন্ধুত্ব অর্থে দুই এবং তিন, প্রেম অর্থে এক এবং দুই। অনেকে বলিয়া থাকেন বন্ধুত্ব ক্রমশ পরিবর্তিত হইয়া ভালোবাসায় উপনীত হইতে পারে, কিন্তু ভালোবাসা নামিয়া অবশেষে বন্ধুত্বে আসিয়া ঠেকিতে পারে না। একবার যাহাকে ভালোবাসিয়াছি, হয় তাহাকে ভালোবাসিব নয় ভালোবাসিব না; কিন্তু একবার যাহার সঙ্গে বন্ধুত্ব হইয়াছে, ক্রমে তাহার সঙ্গে ভালোবাসার সম্পর্ক স্থাপিত হইতে আটক নাই। অর্থাৎ বন্ধুত্বের উঠিবার নামিবার স্থান আছে। কারণ, সে সমস্ত স্থান আটক করিয়া থাকে না। কিন্তু ভালোবাসার উন্নতি অবনতির স্থান নাই। যখন সে থাকে তখন সে সমস্ত স্থান জুড়িয়া থাকে, নয় সে থাকে না। যখন সে দেখে তাহার অধিকার হ্রাস হইয়া আসিতেছে তখন সে বন্ধুত্বের ক্ষুদ্র স্থানটুকু অধিকার করিয়া থাকিতে চায় না। যে রাজা ছিল সে ফকির হইতে রাজি আছে, কিন্তু করদ জায়গীরদার হইয়া থাকিবে কিরূপে? হয় রাজত্ব নয় ফকিরী, ইহার মধ্যে তাহার দাঁড়াইবার স্থান নাই। ইহা ছাড়া আর একটা কথা আছে— প্রেম মন্দির ও বন্ধুত্ব বাসস্থান। মন্দির হইতে যখন দেবতা চলিয়া যায় তখন সে আর বাসস্থানের কাজে লাগিতে পারে না, কিন্তু বাসস্থানে দেবতা প্রতিষ্ঠা করা যায়।

--- রবীন্দ্রনাথ ঠাকুর 

Break-up... Need not break you

I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny, but I found a virtual world full of folks who had gone through the same thing and felt the same as I had felt. That helped a lot.

So, for all the newbies who ask the question: will the hurting ever stop, or will my ex come back? This is how it typically goes down. We two break up; no matter who does it. We immediately panic and
begin chasing, begging, pleading, harassing, phoning, e-mailing, and stalking (OK, not all of these, just pick which one you did). Most of us likely do something during this stage that will make us cringe when we think back on it, say after 3 months.

We lose weight. We neglect ourselves, our house, our job (how many hours do we all log into these sites while we are at work?). We drive our family and friend crazy talking about the break up. We cry at the drop of a dime. We can’t even comprehend that our life might not again include that special person. We begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive us crazy. In our mind they have become omnipotent, all encompassing, all everything.

We convince ourselves that we are losers who just screwed up a relationship with the best person in the world. We KNOW without a doubt that we will never love like that ever. We know that no one else will come along. We wear a sad face for the world to see.

They (the ex’s) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them will leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those who leapfrog, they appear to just replace us with a new model. All the things we two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling, watching televisions whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new. 

We hear about them and their new life. We are desperate about any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back; yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

For those of us who do still have contact with their ex’s, we begin selling ourselves short. We do stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that Sex does not imply hope. We, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching over the internet using phrases such as BREAK UP, LOST LOVE, or whatever. We stumble upon this site, pay our money because we are curious and lo! Behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this break up bullshit.

We voraciously read the posts. We search for news of those who got their mates back. We are on this site constantly. We will read the books and sigh if I can do this, I can get the person back. We begin our NO CONTACT and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex’s. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what we’ll get and receive.

Time goes by. You’ll do some stupid things. You will call your ex when you should not. You will call when you have too much to drink. You will call even if 50 people on this site tell you not to do so. You’ll show up on their doorstep hating yourself all the time.

Then you will get serious about your no contacts. It will hurt. But you will try to stick to it. Here’s the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex’s your no contact will either bring
them sniffing curiously around or they will be somewhere high-fiving with their friends thanking the God that you have not called.

Now is the tough time. Nothing but time works. Every day the ache in your heart grows a little less. It’s only nanobits that it dies down by. But every day it will get slowly better. You will have set-backs. You will run into your ex accidentally. You will run into mutual friends who tell you to do something about your ex that will bring you home for a good cry. You will see your ex with their new friend. You will receive a phone call or an email from your ex who does not want to be in a relationship but just wants to be a friend (with benefits if you allow).

Here is another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with its demise. If you miss this part, you have gone through all the
suffering for nothing, because you will be back here again. This post is here to teach you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It’s the reason that you are going through this. Don’t miss out the lesson.

Then one day you will smile because you didn’t immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you will decide to clean your house. And one day you will go outside and admit to the world that you are a better person now.

And then you’ll decide to mix with people freely. You will be ready to be amongst people again. And many of you will have some new dates. Some of you will have reconciliations with your ex’s. Many of us won’t. But one day it won’t matter as much. This is because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And we will be able to think of our life possibly without that person and not dissolve in a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

 And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That is the truth. Don’t want to dash the hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on the site get back with their mates. Sobering isn’t it? But as the site instructs, we must accept this before we can truly begin to heal or draw our ex back to us. For the lucky (or unlucky one’s depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex’s, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn’t reality, and what they once thought to be gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try to make it work because it’s comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it is meant to be.

But for most of us, life goes on. And one day we will find ourselves having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and we will think to ourselves that I am getting better. And finally, we will go on a date again with someone new and find that (a) if it was not good, at least I did it, or (b) it was so much better than with the ex I wonder why I waited so long to get back here. It does not always happen, but just a possibility. Thus we are on the road to recovery.

 I guess, what I am trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of the most of our situations are same. Most of us will go through at least something that I have written here. So
when someone tells you on this site that time will help you to get through it, believe them. When they tell you trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually, believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

Don’t beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn’t (calling contacting etc.). Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving to yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative.
Even if society is beating into your head that you must have a mate, take time to heal before going out there. There are plenty of good people to love, just don’t go out there broken, jaded about love. Accept reality. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when
you first met you ex and get that person back.

And the universe will take care of the rest.

Anonymous Blog!!!

Sometimes, I regret telling about my blog to some close people. You know, I have made this blog with the sole aim to write some of my personal feelings, and I really did not want to be public with my blog. That was the reason, I never wrote my name on my blog, or I never let any of my friends know about my blog.

But, sometimes, the mistake happens within seconds, and you know that you cannot take back the words. And awww, your anonymity is gone. The only thing you are left to do is to regret.

Why did I choose anonymity in the first place? The main reason is that I wanted to shout things out of my heart. I wanted to tell those things which I cannot tell to anyone. I wanted to confess things that I could not tell my close friends even.

So, why did I fail to keep the anonymity? Some of my posts, I really wanted to share with my close friend. But, as soon as I shared, I knew that I have done a mistake. I knew that I will regret it in future. But, what's done could not be undone.

The Rainy Season: I

As a child, I used to hate the rains. It gave me such a tough time. As I get ready for my school, suddenly, there is the heavy rain, and my parents telling me: No School for today!!! Oh Shit… How can I meet with my friends, shout with them, play games…

Ah! Playing Games; This is the basic reason I hated rain. This rain had another peculiar habit of coming at afternoon, just at the time, I got ready to go out to play with my local friends. And All Rain and No Play used to make me a dull boy. I used to stand by my window, and watch the rain, cursing it, and waiting for it to stop. If it took a long time to stop, then again the next bomb: What will you play in the mud!!! How I wished I had some sort of arrow like that of Arjun (Mahabharata Character), so that I can shoot it, and can block the sky, stopping it from raining. Particularly the rain songs, I just hated them, and the authors. I still remember one popular Bengali song which every child is taught.

“Brishti-Brishti-Brishti,

E kon aparup srishti,

Eto mishti mishti mishti,

Amar hariye geche drishti”

“Rain-Rain-Rain,

What a fine creation,

It’s so sweet-sweet-sweet,

I lost all my senses (sight)”

I liked an English rhyme much more than that, because it depicted my scenario, I could identify myself with the character.

Rain Rain, go away,

Come again another day,

Little Tommy wants to play.

Later, when I was in class 10^th, one of my cousins taught me extra two lines of this rhyme.

Rain Rain, go to Spain

Do not show your face again.

Somehow, it is a stronger statement. At first, request the enemy. When he agrees to your request, give him a shocker suddenly. Here, request the rain to go away, and to come on another day, and when the rain agrees, then give the shocker – Do not Show your face again.

Blog Life: A New Start

After a long gap I read blogs written by some other people. Generally I read unknown people's blog. After all in blogosphere, who cares to know the identity of a person, when we all are global citizen at least here. But, yesterday evening as suggested by Binti, I read the blog posts of someone I know. No, I don't know him personally. But Binti knows him, and is a huge fan of him.

I think I should thank Binti for her suggestion. I read a lot of blogs, and once again, I experienced the nice feeling which I loved when I read blogs, commented on their posts, overall when I try to build some relationship with someone, I don't know, and I prefer not to know personally. Blogs generally contains stories from life, sometimes they have personal stuffs, because, you can share those things here without any regrets later, because people don't judge you based on those. I love to read the stories, the feelings, the memories. I like to share my thoughts with them on some particular topic, like to disagree, and debate on something. It gives me a  lot of personal space, where none of my acquaintances tell me what I should do, and what I should not.

Moreover, once again, I got the enthusiasm to write blogs. And as always, this time too, I made up my mind to write frequently. I hope that I will keep on writing new things, on new topics, and on new experiences. I hope to get some readers, who will share their thoughts with me, does not really matter if they agree or not to my insights, just love discussing things.

Anyway, I should thank Binti once again, for she showed interest in my blog life, and that she gave a new start to it.

Blogs!!!

Well, what is a blog? It is some sort of personal diary, some sort of space where  you can pen down or key down your own ideas, your feelings. How does it differ from the general paper diary? One basic difference in these two are that personal diary is generally kept personal, to be viewed by close friends only. On the other hand the blog is a open book, left to be checked globally.

The advantage of a blog is that it is anonymous, and you can get others opinion without letting them know who the person(author)is!!! And you can actually discuss what you really feel, actually you can show your frustrations, anger, and drain out them...

For others, it is a global platform to get appreciations globally for your nice creations, artistic abilities, literary pieces, ideas.

Whatever it is, I really love the concept, and I keep on scribbling on my useless blog, just to be read by me!!!

Blog: Dreams and Reality

I loved to read blogs. It has been my habit to read blogs ever since I was in class 11. I found it a good discussion ground, and i used to comment on many blogs which i read. They also used to reply, and i found it very interesting. As a result, i started using my own blogs.

But, the reality is what i found to be is that Reputation has a lot to do with the well managed blogs. If you want others to visit your blogs too often, then  at first you have to build your reputation...and that reputation can only be built once you keep on publishing good materials.

So, to make my blog a famous one is one o my dream, and to make my dream invincible;

Lesson 1: Start a habit of regular blogging;

Lesson 2: The content of your blog should be good and interesting, and thought provocative;

With Regards.