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Saturday, March 24, 2012

Confession

Sometimes you have to confess a thing that you never want to.

I loved a girl, and I was sure that I would never fall in love once again. But, for the past two months, I am in love. Once again, I am in love. I love to talk to her, I love to hold her hands, I love to walk with her, I love to stare at her. I tell her everything. Every secret that I have about myself. She tells me everything.

However, somehow, I don't know why, I decided not to tell this to her. I don't know the reason. All i know is that I will not tell her, and we would have no relationship other than friendship. We both know that we are not just casual friends, we are much much more than that. However, it is some sort of personal decision, at least I decided that I will not tell her. May be it's because, I am commitment phobic. May be because, I have made lots of mistakes about girls, and I don't want to hurt her. The thing that I love her, I haven't told anyone, not to any of my common friends. The only friend who knows about it is my personal diary.

The Confession: No, the fact that I love her is not confession. It can be a confession, but, today i stand in front of the blogospere, not to tell that. The confession is that today I feel bad about myself. She told me about her boyfriend. And she told me that she wants her back in her life. She even cries to get her boyfriend back. Today she told me that she could finally contact with her boyfriend. And she is going to meet her, to spend some time with her. And after listening that she is happy, I AM NOT HAPPY anymore.

Why am I so selfish! Why! When I won't have any further relationship with her, then why do I want that she remains happy! Why can't I feel happy for her. It is the reason that I hate myself so much. It is the reason that i know that i can't keep anyone happy, and that includes myself! When I should be very happy that at last she is going back to someone whom she really loves, but, I can't be happy. I can't smile.

But God, you know na, that I'm not so bad at heart. I really hope the best for her. And I won't stop her. And I would wish her all the luck for them, for everyone.