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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Relationships and Trust

"You must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go."
Mary Oliver - In Blackwater Woods

Today I am going to speak something about relationships. Before I start anything, I must admit that I am a loser in maintaining relationships, and I am last person to advise anyone on this sensitive issue. So, anyone who is reading, take it as some sort of confession, or some sort of self-help blog.

Trust is the force that holds it altogether in a relationship. Well, Love has to be there, but, even though you love someone very much, and you really can't trust the person, think once again. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship where trust is missing. So, coming to the point, how can one define Trust?

Trust is a very difficult thing to define though it might sound very easy and simple to understand. I trust you - does that mean that I have full faith on you? Or is it something more than that? I really had to google it, and I found a lot of things. I don't know how to acknowledge so many people in a single blog. So, I leave that work.

Trust is KNOWING. It is knowing something that you cannot confirm with others.
Trust is BELIEVING. It is believing something you cannot see.
Trust is DEPENDING. It is depending on someone completely even when everyone else tell that you should not.

Trust is the ultimate form of INTIMACY. You may be miles away from each other physically, but, if you trust each other you are so close. You may be so close to each other, but if your relationship lacks trust, you are no less than light-years away.

So, after so much of advice on trust, how the trust is built? That is the major question.

1. Be Loyal: We must be loyal to ourselves and our partner. Many may question about how being loyal to own-self matter, but, if we are not loyal to ourselves, we can never to loyal to anybody. And the later part, being loyal to our partner - if I are not loyal to my partner, how can my partner trust me? Or, how can I expect my partner to be loyal to me, unless I am loyal?

2. Be Truthful: A difficult piece of advice. What I tell might hurt my partner now, but, don't get swayed away by the short-term gains. In the long run, being truthful pays off. Don't lie ever, irrespective of however small lie it is. Even the smallest and safest lie, if caught, can sow the seeds of distrust, which one day grows to be a huge tree to ignore. Moreover, even if the lie is not caught, the small lies leads to bigger lies, because after some days, we might get used to tell lies, and think that these lies does not hurt anyone.

3. Forgive: Forgiveness builds insurmountable trust. If I cannot forgive when someone tells me the truth, how can I expect the person to tell me the truth next time.

Wait a minute here. I hear something from inside - Can forgive but can't forget??? I can forgive someone, but can't really get some incident out of my mind??? What do you think? The un-forgetful mind will leave you so easily??? It will keep attacking the inner sanctity of trust. It will give rise to grudges, held-back resentments, and all other negative emotions. If you want somebody to trust you, you need to leave bad memories behind. Once an apology is made, we need accept it. That doesn't mean that we are free to act out and then expect blind forgiveness. It means genuine repentance should be met with genuine acceptance of the repentant, leaving both free to move ahead.

4. Be Humble: There is not a single relationship, where the partners are perfect. Every people is prone to make mistakes, and making effort to move on requires a lot of humility for both the partners. When you are trying to forgive someone, you require humility, but never forget that when someone is telling you something too personal, that requires similar, if not more, strong determination, and respect for you, your relationship and feelings.

5. Be Honest: Honesty is the best policy, they write on the walls in shops, but, even though we don't write over our relationships, if we are not honest, we cannot expect honesty. Honesty might cause problems in the beginning, but, just go for it. For, if it causes problem, the relationship that we are looking for is actually hollow, and if it works, then we are in a blissful world of trust.

6. Stand up and Stand for: Whenever life laughs at your partner sarcastically, stand for the person. He/she does not need your advice, does not need your sympathy, and surely does not need your criticism at that point. Just make the person feel that you are there always, no matter what happens. You are there to share everything, good or bad with him/her, but you are there, and will always be.

7. Respect and Value: We must learn to take our partner as they are, with their individual wishes and desires. Just like we respect our wishes, we must understand that he/she also respect their wishes. Whenever there comes a situation when you two have to make a decision, respect your partner's point of view, value their inputs. Being willing to compromise on matters says your partner that "You are worth a sacrifice". You must amicably respect your partner's position and understand his/her situation.

Relationships are important, as important as anything else in life that is worth fighting for. Trust in a relationship is a two way street. Both parties must behave ethically and deal truthfully. The simple element of trust between people affect the entire life. It enhances joy, peace, harmony - and everyone deserves these in their life.

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